Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
