I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
