I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
