btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
