a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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