he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i believe in u and ur pee
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
