either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
