My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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