Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
