did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
why is half of my head shaved?
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