At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
