Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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