My sheets look like a crime scene.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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