I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
