I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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