yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
