I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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