i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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