so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
