Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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