She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
