this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
