I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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