Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
