I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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