So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
