there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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