If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
