you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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