i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
