I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
