She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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