She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
