I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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