i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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