Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
