I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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