Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
