So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
