I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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