I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
