then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
