If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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