Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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