She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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