You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
