Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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