i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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