I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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