hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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