Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
