I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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