Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
