Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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