when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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