True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she peed on how many people?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir